Donald Gibb on Robert Carradine: "Should've kicked his ass while I had the chance."
Previously I had interviewed a stable of character actors who had portrayed the proverbial dumb jock in a slew of 80s romps. Donald Gibb, better known among his Alpha Beta brethren as Frederick Alowishus Palowakski, a.k.a. “The Ogre”, responded to my interview request at the last minute, and, alas, the Revenge of the Nerds villain did not get to partake in the
Jocks N Yocks forum.
But the tough guy still took a trip down memory lane with me, particularly on the making of Nerds, which is about the most outrageous behind-the-scenes yarn I’ve ever heard. In fact, when I interviewed Nerd co-star Andrew Cassese, who played Wormser, I ran this transcript by him — and he can’t confirm or disconfirm anything. (Since he was so young during filming, he said, his time on the set was minimized.)
So I guess we’ll have to take Gibb’s word for it. Or maybe find Booger …
Nerds was surely one helluva party on the set. Did you guys all get pretty fucked up together?
It was a surprisingly grueling experience. Jeff Kanew, the director, had helmed Eddie Macon’s Run a year or so previously, and he had these illusions of grandeur after working with John Schneider from The Dukes Of Hazzard and that guy who played Spartacus. What was his name? Gordon Gekko’s dad. Anyway. We weren’t allowed off the set until filming for the day wrapped, so we starved and starved. When the movie was finished, I went on a binge-eating spree. That’s how I got my jelly roll!
Yes, well, your putting on weight certainly showed in Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. But something tells me that the binge-eating wasn’t what contributed to the extra L-Bs.
Well, I was almost always really baked. We all were, especially Ted McGinley. You have to remember: Nerds was filmed at the University of Arizona. College kids were all over, wanting to be apart of production. They would provide all the drugs and booze a guy could want. I was getting a lot of leftover tail from Mr. Happy Days, which wasn’t bad for a guy best known as “Tough Guy #2” on Magnum P.I.
Tell me more about these girls. Were there, like, groupies who hung around the set, or did that come later? Were you easily recognized around town? Did chicks fall for you?
Well yes and no. Women were everywhere on the campus. They didn’t know who most of us were but would fuck anyone they thought was famous.
None of them ever wanted to know the real Donald. Did any of them want to admire the artwork of Boris Vallejo, do some medieval role-playing, or even help me do some gardening in my backyard? No. It was always “Let me pull your beard while I’m riding your face” or “Why don’t you tell me what a dirty little sorority sister I am while you pound me from behind?”
Sounds rough.
Yeah. They’d laugh at me when I wanted to watch Tender Mercies.
About your co-stars: certainly not everyone got along on the set. Was there a guy or girl who kept to him or herself? Treated the cast and crew like shit?
Robert Carradine. Mister “My brother was in Kung-Fu, so you’d better watch it” Bigshot. Dude, I was in Bloodsport! I had Jean-Claude Van Damme kicking my ass between takes naked just so he could maintain his hard-on while he was doing groupies in his trailer. Don’t give me that kung-fu Kane crap, dude! All he’d do on set is talk about his cars or his racing career and then he’d point to me and yell, “I’m gonna be light years ahead of that guy!”
Man, I should’ve kicked his ass while I had the chance.
Damn, what a prick. It sounds like he still haunts you in your sleep.
The worst was when he got a hold of my number a few years ago and started calling me in the middle of the night – just to remind me that he was working on some Disney crap with a chick named Hillary Duff. He kept saying that as soon as she turned 18, he was going to come over and make me smell his finger! What an asshole.
Speaking of getting chicks naked, did you get to hang out on the set on the days there were nudity? How did that work out? Was it a well-policed thing, or were girls strutting around naked?
The campus cops were everywhere for the most part so the chicks would only be naked for the scenes they were in, which kind of sucked. I mean, college girls would show up but nothing crazy-naked happened with them or the girls in the movie. Not out in the open, anyway. Michelle Meyrink loved to flash her tits from time to time.
Oh. That’s kind of a bummer.
Worse than that, every day was a naked day on set for that asshole Carradine. He wouldn’t keep his damn clothes on! He said the whole nerd get-up wasn’t who he really was so as soon as Jeff would yell cut, BAM!, Carradine was naked as a jaybird and making a beeline for craft services.
Really, though, who wants to make a bologna sandwich when some scrawny, naked, sweaty dude has already been pawing through the meat with his bare hands? Christ, I had to send a driver out for Big Macs twice a day just to keep my weight up!
Weird. Wasn’t he worried that he’d creep out all the girls on the set and not get laid later on?
As I said before, the girls on set were very nice. I’d usually give them one of Carradine’s towels that I swiped from his trailer for them to cover up with. They just had to hide the RRC monogram, or else he’d flip the fuck out. But he tended to do that anyways since he was a world-class asswipe who had no respect for his fellow actors. He even had the nerve to tell Julie Montgomery that she wasn’t as hot as she used to be!
Really, I should’ve just kicked his pasty naked ass into next week. We could’ve easily got that nerdy guy from Riptide to replace him for fuck’s sake!
What about Montgomery and the other lead girls in the show? What were the Pis like out of character?
Those girls were very nice to me. They gave me some great grooming and waxing tips that a guy just wouldn’t even dare to ask back in ‘84. You know, I don’t get why people get so hung up about this whole metrosexual thing nowadays.
Anyways, back to the ladies, let’s just say the Speedos don’t chafe at all anymore, if you know what I mean. Also, I touched Julie Montgomery’s breast at the wrap party. We were all hammered so she didn’t mind.
Did you notice the overnight change of turning into a movie star? Did it affect you in a bad way? How did you handle it? Was there really much a difference in your life?
There was a guy at this Home Depot who worked at the garden center, and he’d always pull me aside and show me the amazing azaleas that he put aside just for me. He would do this all the time, and I was very flattered. So one day he offered to show me his garden and invited me over to his place for dinner, and I accepted.
Well, I go over there and, when this guy opens the door, he starts chanting O-GRE! O-GRE! O-GRE! while rubbing himself under his toga with the other! Well, I was a bit dismayed to say the least, so I get back to my truck and get the hell outta there as quickly as possible.
Holy shit!
True story, man. I found out later that this guy showed up at work the next day drunk and crying over losing his one true love. They fired him on the spot. That was a very powerful lesson on the power of celebrity, how people find meaning in even the most insignificant of portrayals.
So was that the last of the psycho?
Recently he sent me a nice letter saying that he’s been sober for two years and that he hoped that we could be friends. Then he included a Polaroid of his dick. What is wrong with people?!
What are you doing nowadays?
I still get acting gigs here and there: TV pilots, small parts. Even though I’m typecast as a big scary guy, I would love to break out and do theater: Macbeth, that kind of stuff. I’ve always wanted to do porn. Just once though. Which probably won’t happen now, since I got married last year.
I remember a couple years ago you endorsed a beer for Trader Tods. Is that all over now?
I’m getting away from the beer label stuff. All that time spent on those promotional events just to have drunken frat-boys spill their beer on you and throw up on your shoes – that’s just a downer - but, as they always say, when God closes a door, he opens a window. I’m actually selling a lot of stuff through eBay. It’s great because it allows me to indulge in my love of Boris Vallejo art.
Do people recognize you now? Do they run off one-liners at you? Does it bug the crap out of you, or do you enjoy it? It obviously can’t bother you that much, since you agreed to this interview.
People do recognize me now, though I find it distracting when I’m at the Renaissance Fair, and I’m trying to stay in character. Do you know how distracting it is to be in the middle of a choreographed swordfight only to have some yahoo yell NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS! when you’re supposed to block a quick sword thrust? Let’s just say that my Bloodsport training and my chain mail kept me from being a Gibb-kabob.
